How Long Does a Narcissistic Relationship Last and How Does it End?

The duration of a narcissistic relationship can vary widely depending on the individuals involved and the specific circumstances of the relationship.

There are anecdotal observations suggesting that the average length of a narcissistic relationship is around six months, but no empirical evidence supports this claim.

Narcissistic relationships can be highly dysfunctional and emotionally damaging for the partner who is not exhibiting narcissistic traits. In some cases, the non-narcissistic partner may endure the relationship for an extended period due to manipulation, fear, or a belief that things will improve.

However, it’s important to note that narcissistic individuals often struggle with forming healthy and lasting relationships due to their inability to truly connect with others on an emotional level.

Higher levels of narcissism are associated with higher levels of aggression within a relationship. In these cases, the abuse and manipulation can be so severe that the non-narcissistic partner may leave the relationship right away.

If the narcissist’s goals in the relationship are met (i.e., they are receiving their narcissistic supply), they might prolong the relationship. Alternatively, if they find a new source of supply, they might abruptly end the current relationship.

Ultimately, there is no fixed timeline for how long a narcissistic relationship will last. Some individuals may stay in such relationships for years, while others may recognize the toxic dynamics sooner and exit the relationship relatively quickly.

What does a narcissist do at the end of a relationship?

At the end of a relationship involving a narcissistic individual, their behavior can be quite complex and can vary depending on their personality, the circumstances of the breakup, and their goals.

Research has suggested that at the end of a relationship, there tend to be two extremes: the narcissist will either react with anger and seek revenge or they will attempt to “hoover” the ex-partner back into their life.

Narcissists may also initiate the breakup themselves, often abruptly and without warning. They might do this to regain a sense of control or to move on to a new source of admiration and attention.

Hoovering

Hoovering is a term used to describe the manipulative tactics that a narcissistic individual may employ to try to draw their ex-partner back into a relationship.

This behavior can be an attempt to maintain control or to secure a backup source of supply.

Hoovering can include:

Love Bombing: flooding the ex-partner with excessive affection, attention, compliments, and promises of change
Apologies and Declarations of Change: telling you how sorry they are for their past behavior and how much they have changed
Playing the Victim: portraying themselves as the victim, claiming that they have suffered greatly since the breakup
Future Plans and Promises: making promises about the future and discussing shared goals, dreams, and plans
Flattery and Admiration: complimenting the ex-partner excessively and expressing how special and irreplaceable they are
Emotional Blackmail: telling you they are in a crisis or had an accident to get your attention and sympathy
Guilt Tripping: telling you how you have “ruined their life” by leaving
Playing on Nostalgia: bringing up shared memories and experiences from the past to trigger feelings of nostalgia and longing in the ex-partner

Narcissistic Rage

During the end of a relationship with a narcissistic individual, the abuse can escalate, and a phenomenon known as “narcissistic rage” may occur.

Narcissistic rage refers to intense and explosive reactions from a narcissist when they perceive a threat to their self-esteem or control.

Here are some of the behaviors that may be seen during narcissistic rage:

Verbal Abuse: insulting, belittling, criticizing, or mocking
Intimidation and Threats: making threats of violence, legal action, or other negative consequences if the victim doesn’t comply with their wishes
Blame Shifting: blaming the victim for the relationship’s failure to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions
Gaslighting: denying past events, manipulating the victim’s perception of reality, and insisting that the victim is imagining or exaggerating things
Character Assassination: spreading rumors, lies, or distorted truths about the victim to damage their reputation and isolate them from their social support networks
Triangulation: introducing a third party into the situation, whether real or fabricated, to create chaos, jealousy, and confusion
Physical Aggression: using physical violence or threats of physical harm

Real-life Accounts of Victims

Below are some accounts of individuals in a narcissistic relationship taken from two different qualitative studies:

Study 1:

“Just the idea, the prospect of us breaking up freaked him out so much that I sort of had to take it back in a way you know because it seemed to utterly destroy him.”

“Well the fact that me and him were on the verge of breaking up for such a long time and never actually broke up says a lot about how he didn’t want me to ever leave him.”

“He would never admit that “I never want to lose you” but I think he was so afraid of losing me that he turned into the victim just to keep me.”

Study 2:

“I wanted to have boundaries, and I needed to have boundaries. Because it was like, I couldn’t take it anymore. I wasn’t happy. He was hurting me. I talked about it a lot. I wanted to leave. But he’d fight me, and I was scared that he’d go crazy.”

How do you leave a narcissistic relationship?

Leaving a narcissistic relationship can be challenging and emotionally difficult.

Once you asses your situation and make a firm decision to leave, you must stay strong, remind yourself why you’re leaving, and lean on your support network.

You must recognize that the narcissist may try to manipulate your emotions or use tactics to lure you back, so it is important to focus on your own healing and emotional well-being.

Here are a few tips to help you navigate the process:

The Friend Question

Imagine a very good friend or close family member came to you for advice about their relationship. Imagine they told you all the things that you have experienced in your relationship – what advice would you give them?

Would you tell them to stay with an abusive partner? Would you say the relationship is worth the damage it causes to their self-esteem and confidence?

By putting yourself in their shoes, you might be able to gain more clarity on your situation and feel more confident about your decision to leave.

Educate Yourself

Learn about narcissism, manipulation tactics, and the dynamics of abusive relationships. Understanding what you’re dealing with can empower you to make informed decisions.

Try making a list of all the of the reasons you are leaving. Write down the things your partner has said or done that have been hurtful, confusing, and abusive. Keep this list with you and use it to validate your decision.

Build Support

Reach out to friends, family members, and support groups who can offer emotional support, validation, and guidance throughout the process.

A therapist, counselor, or psychologist with experience in narcissistic abuse can also provide you with coping strategies, validation, and guidance as you navigate the process.

Preparing to Leave

Preparing to leave a narcissistic relationship requires careful planning to ensure your safety, emotional well-being, and overall success in transitioning to a healthier life.

Here are some steps to consider:

Consider creating a safety plan, involving trusted individuals, and keeping important documents and belongings in a safe place.
Set boundaries and communicate only when necessary, preferably through written communication like text or email.
Save money, open a separate bank account if necessary, and gather information about your financial situation.
Reach out to friends, family, or support groups that can provide emotional support and guidance
Plan where you will stay after leaving. Arrange for a safe place to live, whether it’s with friends, family, a shelter, or your own new residence. Do not tell them you are leaving or where you are going.
Update passwords on your devices, email accounts, social media, and online accounts to prevent unauthorized access.
If there are legal matters to address (divorce, custody, etc.), consult with an attorney experienced in family law and domestic abuse.
If you have children, make arrangements for their care, safety, and well-being during and after the transition.
Prepare an emergency bag with essentials in case you need to leave quickly.
Practice emotional detachment. Remind yourself of the reasons for leaving and the negative impact of staying. As much as possible, start implementing limited or no contact with the narcissist to begin detaching.

How to recover from a narcissistic relationship?

Recovering from a narcissistic relationship is a process that requires time, self-care, and support.

You must recognize that you were in an abusive relationship with a narcissist and accept that healing takes time.

Consider therapy or counseling with a mental health professional experienced in trauma, abuse, and narcissistic relationships. They can provide guidance and coping strategies.

Also, be sure to surround yourself with supportive friends, family, and support groups, as they can provide validation and empathy.

Above all, be kind to yourself. Understand that you were a victim of manipulation and abuse. Treat yourself with the same compassion you’d offer a friend in a similar situation. Reconnect with your interests, hobbies, and passions that may have been suppressed during the relationship.

Challenge negative beliefs that the narcissist may have instilled in you and focus on rebuilding your self-esteem.

Recovering from a narcissistic relationship is a journey that requires patience, self-compassion, and perseverance. Healing takes time, but with the right support and strategies, you can reclaim your sense of self, rebuild your life, and move forward in a healthier direction.

FAQs

Will a Narcissist Ever Be Happy in a Relationship?

Narcissists have difficulties establishing and maintaining genuinely happy and fulfilling relationships due to their personality traits and behavior patterns.

While it’s not impossible for a narcissist to experience moments of happiness or satisfaction within a relationship, their underlying tendencies can hinder the development of healthy and lasting connections.

Narcissists struggle with genuine empathy and the ability to understand and respond to others’ emotions. This lack of empathy makes it challenging for them to form deep emotional connections that contribute to happiness in relationships.

Narcissists are primarily focused on their own needs, desires, and feelings. They often view relationships as a means to gain validation, admiration, and control rather than as opportunities for mutual happiness.

As such, their relationships tend to be superficial, based on manipulation, and lack the depth necessary for sustained happiness.

How Will a Narcissist React When They No Longer Have Control Over Someone?

When a narcissist loses control over someone, their reaction can vary depending on their personality, the dynamics of the relationship, and their level of awareness.

A common response when a narcissist feels threatened or challenged is to burst into narcissistic rage. They might become enraged, lash out verbally or even physically, and engage in aggressive behavior to regain a sense of control.

Or, they might respond by hoovering. As mentioned earlier, hoovering is a tactic in which the narcissist attempts to draw the individual back into their orbit. This can involve love bombing, apologies, promises of change, and attempts to make the individual doubt their decision to break away.

How Long Do Narcissists Typically “Love Bomb” For?

The duration of the love bombing phase can vary depending on the individual narcissist and the dynamics of the relationship. The aim of love bombing is to quickly establish a deep emotional connection and gain control over the other person.

Love bombing is often followed by a devaluation phase, where the narcissist starts to criticize, belittle, and manipulate the target. The length of the love bombing phase may depend on how long it takes for the narcissist to transition into this cycle.

Sources

Czerny, A. & Lassiter, P. & Lim, J. H. (2018). Post-Abuse Boundary Renegotiation: Healing and Reclaiming Self After Intimate Partner Violence. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 40, 211-225.

Green, A. & Charles, K. (2019). Voicing the victims of narcissistic partners: A Qualitative Analysis of Responses to Narcissistic Injury and Self-Esteem Regulation. SAGE Open.

Howard V. (2019). Recognising Narcissistic Abuse and the Implications for Mental Health Nursing Practice. Issues in Mental Health Nursing, 40(8), 644-654. Kjærvik, S. L., & Bushman, B. J. (2021). The link between narcissism and aggression: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin. Advance online publication.