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Hoovering is a manipulation tactic, often employed by individuals with narcissistic personality traits, used to “suck” someone back into a relationship.
The term “hoovering” is derived from the Hoover vacuum cleaner, as it symbolizes the narcissist’s attempt to “suck” their victims back into their lives.
Someone who hoovers will engage in love bombing, gift-giving, gaslighting, or guilt-tripping, among other manipulative strategies.
Hoovering is a behavior often associated with narcissists as they will use baiting tactics to keep a sense of power and control in their relationships.
Hoovering is only about the narcissist needing attention, an ego boost, or sex – they are trying to fill the narcissistic void they are experiencing.
It takes a lot of willpower to resist being hoovered because you may want to believe their words to be true. But, you must remember, it has nothing to do with their feelings for you or their desire to reconcile. It is solely about getting their next attention fix.
It is important to understand that hoovering is manipulation and that their promises and words are empty.
What Does Narcissistic Hoovering Look Like?
Hoovering is similar to love bombing in that the person hoovering is attempting to exploit their victim’s vulnerabilities.
Narcissists are often skilled at knowing exactly what a person wants; they will aim to make their target feel special, loved, and valued to lure them back into the relationship or to re-establish control.
Unlike love-bombing, which tends to occur at the beginning of a relationship, hoovering happens after the devaluation or discard phase.
It is the narcissist’s way of getting back the attention, admiration, and control they feel they are losing. It typically occurs after the victim has attempted to distance themselves or end the relationship.
If you are trying to leave a narcissistic relationship, your partner might use hoovering tactics to stop you. Or, they might get in touch months or years later to lure you back in.
However, it is important to note that if an ex-partner with reaches back out, they are not necessarily hoovering – they could be genuine.
Therefore, it’s essential for individuals to be aware of hoovering manipulative tactics to protect themselves from narcissistic abuse and maintain healthy boundaries in relationships.
The following are examples of what hoovering might look like:
Grand Statements of Love
The narcissist may suddenly shower the victim with excessive affection, attention, and promises, creating an overwhelming sense of love and intimacy.
They might tell you how much they love and miss you or how they cannot live without you. They might even reach out constantly to the point of harassment and become enraged if you do not reply.
The extremity and frequency of these statements indicates they are hoovering.
Romantic Gestures
You might find a huge bouquet of flowers at your desk or on your doorstep. They might buy you an expensive piece of jewelry or insist on taking you on a luxurious trip abroad.
These grand gestures make you feel appreciated and special, making it very difficult for you to resist their advances.
But remember, these gestures are part of a manipulative strategy to regain control and lure you back into the relationship.
Fake Remorse
Although they never apologized during your relationship, they might suddenly express remorse. They will tell you how sorry they are and how much they have changed.
They use this tactic to give the illusion of change and convince the victim that things will be different if they return.
But, they are unlikely to change and their abuse and manipulation will only resume once they are back in your life.
Future Faking
Maybe you wanted to get married or take your relationship to the next level. Maybe you wanted a family or to move in together.
Whatever it may be, they will tell you exactly what you want to hear and make empty promises for the future. But, in reality, they are only deceiving you in order to fill their narcissistic supply.
Emotional Blackmail
In order to gain your sympathy, they might pretend to be in crisis. For example, they might tell you they were in an accident, their grandmother died, or they are ill.
Usually, they tell these lies to make you feel guilty, coercing you into re-engaging with them.
Using Other People to Get to You
The narcissist might use other people, such as close friends or family members, to contact you on their behalf or convey messages designed to draw you back into the relationship.
They will them how sorry they are and how much they love you. Your friends might fall for their tricks and urge you to get in touch (e.g. “She is so nice, why are you ignoring her?; “He’s really sorry. You should give him another chance.”)
Acting As If Nothing Happened
They might text you, acting as if nothing happened (e.g. “Hey, when are you coming over this evening?”) This is meant to make you question yourself, so it is more likely that you will respond.
Or, they might continue to call and text you despite you telling them to leave you alone. Their aim is to grind you down in the hope that eventually you will reply.
Why Does a Narcissist Hoover?
A narcissist might hoover for a number of reasons, most of which revolve around their need for control, validation, and attention. The following are some reasons why a narcissist hoovers:
Narcissistic Supply
Narcissists require a constant supply of attention, admiration, and adoration from others to maintain their inflated self-image and grandiose sense of self. This is referred to narcissistic supply.
To feed this insatiable ego, they require a steady stream of narcissistic supply from their victim. They want to dominate their environment and the people in it because, in their mind, control confirms their superiority.
Induce Guilt
Giving you lavish gifts, taking you on expensive trips, or making grand statements of their love for you serve the purpose of making you feel like you owe them.
This makes it more difficult for you to ignore them and gives the narcissist a sense of control.
Stop You From Moving On
Even if they do not want to be with you, they do not want you to be with anybody else either. In their mind, you are theirs, so when you move on, they will experience this as a lost source of narcissistic supply.
In an attempt to prevent you from leaving and to keep you emotionally tied to them, they will use hoovering tactics.
Keep Their Façade Intact
Narcissists often have a carefully constructed persona they present to the world. Hoovering is a way for the narcissist to prevent you from sharing their experiences with others and exposing their true nature.
Additionally, they might use hoovering tactics on your friends and family to maintain a façade. Other people will have a hard time believing your accounts of their abusive and manipulative behavior because they “seem so nice” and “wouldn’t hurt a fly.”
For Their Own Personal Gain
Narcissists might simply use hoovering to get something they want (e.g., money, clothes, sex, etc.)
For example, they might tell you they are in financial difficulty and ask to borrow money. Or, they might tell you how much they love and miss you, but once they get what they want, they disappear.
Fear of Abandonment
Narcissists have an intense fear of being abandoned or rejected, stemming from deep-seated insecurities.
Narcissists have fragile egos so being abandoned would challenge their core beliefs and threaten their self-esteem. Hoovering allows the narcissist to regain a sense of control by preventing the victim from leaving and keeping them emotionally tied to the narcissist.
Fear of abandonment is often associated with the vulnerable/covert type of narcissist as these individuals tend to have a more anxious or disorganized attachment style.
These attachment styles are characterized by hypersensitivity to criticism and difficulty trusting others. Thus, vulnerable narcissists will go to extreme measures to avoid being abandoned (e.g. hoovering).
How to Respond to Hoovering
Responding to hoovering can be challenging, as it involves dealing with a manipulative and potentially abusive individual. You might miss them and a part of you probably wants to believe what they are saying.
Especially if you broke up awhile ago, you might have repressed or forgotten all the abuse and toxicity – you might find youself asking, “Why did we break up in the first place?”
A narcissistic relationship is an emotional rollercoaster with extreme highs and lows. Remind yourself of the reasons you chose to distance yourself from the person in the first place and stay focused on your well-being.
Unless you want to end up back in a relationship with an abusive and manipulative person, you must not engage. If possible, maintain no contact with the individual. Avoid responding to their messages, calls, or attempts to reach out.
Any contact you have with them might be used against you to draw you back into the toxic relationship.
Although they might be telling you that they love and miss you, that they have changed, and that they want a future together, hoovering is a tactic used to regain control and manipulate your emotions.
You must establish clear boundaries and communicate them assertively. Narcissists will constantly test and overstep people’s boundaries, so you must let the person know what behavior is unacceptable and that you will not tolerate manipulation or abuse.
Prioritize your well-being and engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Take care of your physical and emotional health, and practice self-compassion during this challenging time.
Stay firm in your decision to protect yourself and don’t give in to their manipulations.
If you feel unsafe or the hoovering escalates to harassment or threats, consider seeking legal advice or assistance from law enforcement.
References
Brunell, A. B., & Campbell, W. K. (2011). Narcissism and romantic relationships: Understanding the paradox. The handbook of narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder: Theoretical approaches, empirical findings, and treatments, 344-350.
Campbell, W. K. (1999). Narcissism and romantic attraction. Journal of Personality and social Psychology, 77(6), 1254.
Campbell, W. K., Foster, C. A., & Finkel, E. J. (2002). Does self-love lead to love for others? A story of narcissistic game playing. Journal of personality and social psychology, 83(2), 340.
Zeigler-Hill, V., Cosby, C. A., Vrabel, J. K., & Southard, A. C. (2020). Narcissism and mate retention behaviors: What strategies do narcissistic individuals use to maintain their romantic relationships?. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 37(10-11), 2737-2757.
