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Narcissistic rage refers to an intense, exploitive, and often out-of-control reaction exhibited by individuals with narcissistic personality traits or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) when they perceive a threat to their self-esteem, self-worth, or grandiose self-image.
Narcissistic rage typically manifests in response to criticism, slights, or challenges to their perceived superiority.
The reaction can vary in intensity, ranging from passive-aggressive behaviors and verbal aggression to more extreme forms of emotional outbursts, manipulation, and even physical violence.
Because individuals with narcissistic traits have fragile self-esteem, any perceived threat to their self-image can lead to a disproportionate and often extreme reaction.
The underlying trigger for their rage is often a deep-seated fear of being exposed as anything less than perfect.
What Does Narcissistic Rage Look Like?
Narcissistic rage can manifest in various ways, and the severity of the reactions can vary among individuals. It can range from subtle, passive-aggressive behaviors to more overt, explosive outbursts.
But, the underlying motivation for this rage usually stems from the individual’s deep-seated insecurities and fears related to their self-esteem, self-worth, and self-image. When their dominance or grandiosity is challenged, their underlying insecurities are triggered.
They might react with explosive rage, which can include yelling, screaming, insults, belittling, name-calling, or physical aggression.
They also might become extremely defensive or deflect blame onto others, in an attempt to avoid facing their own flaws or shortcomings.
On the other hand, some individuals may resort to more passive, isolating behaviors. They might give silent treatment, make passive-aggressive comments, withdraw from social interactions, or use sarcasm to convey their displeasure.
In extreme cases, individuals with narcissistic rage might threaten retaliation and scheme for revenge against those they perceive as threats.
Below Are Some Personal Accounts from Victims of Narcissistic Rage Taken From a Qualitative Study (Green & Charles, 2019):
“. . . he was always mad for no reason. He was always physically abusive when we argued. One time he sat on top of me and headbutted me on the nose because he saw a text I sent to a friend that he was “mentally ill.” I cried and panicked but he said it was my fault and later on showed remorse and started playing the victim.”
“In the end the rage was huge, violent, scary and lots of threats of killing me and my children. I mean he threatened to burn me and my children alive.”
“The minute I stood up against him or he felt he was losing control he would get aggressive and violent . . . once we were arguing and he knew he was losing the argument so he grabbed the iron, held it two inches from my face and said ‘I will burn you and nobody will ever look at you again.’”
Here Are Examples From Another Qualitative Study (Baholo et al., 2014):
“The other years we would only argue. I even cut my hair, he would pull it. If I don’t agree with him or say I don’t know if he asks me something, he beats me up … I think he was going to kill me in the end; I was getting beaten every week.”
“I think you know the story of a woman who was murdered by her boyfriend. He told me to read this story. I read the story … . That’s when I like, started panicking around, I didn’t even trust him. I was even afraid to go outside because he’s jealous.”
Below are Examples of Passive Narcissistic Rage (Day et al., 2020):
“He is degrading to and about anyone who doesn’t agree with him and he is very vengeful to those who refuse to conform to his desires.”
“It got worse after our first son was born, because he was no longer the centre of my attention. I actually think he was jealous of the bond that my son and I️ had.”
“He tells endless lies and elaborate stories about his past and the things he has achieved, anyone who points out inconsistencies in his stories is cut out of his life.”
What Triggers Narcissistic Rage?
Narcissistic rage is triggered when a narcissist experiences “narcissistic injury.” Narcissistic injury is the emotional or psychological harm experienced by those with narcissistic traits when someone or something challenges their fragile self-esteem and self-image.
Narcissists have an excessive need to feel in control of their environment and the people in it. They believe they are entitled to the unconditional attention and admiration of others, and when these needs are threatened, their reaction is often extreme.
Here are some common triggers:
Failure or Setbacks
Experiencing failure or setbacks can be particularly distressing for individuals with narcissistic traits.
Anything that challenges their perception of constant success can trigger rage as a defense mechanism against feelings of incompetence.
Even minor disagreements or conflicts can trigger rage if they perceive these situations as personal attacks or attempts to undermine their self-image.
Criticism or Rejection
Any form of criticism, even constructive feedback, can be perceived as an attack to their self-worth and superiority. Additionally, situations where they feel embarrassed, slighted, or rejected can trigger feelings of inadequacy and provoke a rageful response.
Because narcissists thrive on constant admiration and attention, they are hypersensitive to anything that might undermine their grandiose self-image.
If they feel ignored, overlooked, or undervalued, they will respond with rage to regain the attention and validation they seek.
Loss of Control
When a narcissist feels they are losing control over a situation, they may respond with rage, as a loss of control is often seen as a threat to their authority.
Additionally, if a narcissistic person feels their pride or superiority has been challenged or if their lies or manipulations are exposed, they may lash out in rage to maintain their façade of perfection.
Challenges to Authority
Individuals with narcissistic traits often see themselves as authority figures, and they want others to acknowledge their dominance and superiority.
If their authority is questioned or challenged, they can react with anger and rage to reassert their dominance.
Interestingly, however, beneath their grandiosity lies an underlying sense of inferiority. As such, situations that remind them of their flaws or limitations or threaten their sense of specialness can provoke rage as a defense mechanism.
How Do You Respond to Narcissistic Rage?
Being confronted by narcissistic rage can be frightening, confusing, and even infuriating.
Responding to narcissistic rage requires careful consideration and a strategic approach, as interactions with individuals displaying such behavior can be challenging and emotionally charged.
Because narcissists thrive on attention, the best way to respond is to remain calm, maintain your emotional balance, and avoid escalation.
Here are More Suggestions For Responding to Narcissistic Rage:
- Maintain your own composure and mask any emotional response (e.g., do not roll your eyes, engage in a power struggle, or fight back).
- Establish clear boundaries for acceptable behavior. Let the person know that you will not tolerate verbal abuse, insults, or aggressive behavior.
- Frame your concerns using “I” statements to express your feelings and perspectives without accusing or blaming the other person (e.g., “I feel hurt when you raise your voice”).
- Do not apologize or respond with defensiveness. Instead, listen actively and remain open to their perspective.
- Choose a time to address the issue when emotions are not running high (e.g., not during the peak of their rage).
- If possible, disengage from the individual and remove yourself from the situation.
- Consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor.
- If the situation becomes physically or emotionally threatening, prioritize your safety. If necessary, seek help from appropriate authorities.
Remember, you cannot control the other person’s behavior. You can only control how you respond to it.
Can Narcissistic Rage Be Fixed?
Whether or not narcissistic rage can be “fixed” or “treated” depends on a number of factors, including the individual’s willingness to seek help, their level of insight, the severity of their narcissistic traits, and their commitment to personal growth and change.
Managing narcissistic rage can be challenging as this behavior is often a symptom of underlying personality traits or disorders. However, if the individual is motivated and willing, there are some approaches that can help improve or manage the situation.
First, the individual must be aware of their behavior and its negative impact on others. Achieving greater self-awareness and recognizing the negative consequences of their actions is a critical step toward change.
Psychotherapy, specifically approaches like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), and schema therapy, can help individuals with narcissistic traits work on their emotional regulation, empathy, and interpersonal skills.
Schema therapy, in particular, has been found to be an effective treatment for individuals with personality disorders because this approach helps clients understand how their personality has developed and how it manifests in their everyday life.
Mentalization-based therapy (MBT) is another effective approach for individuals with personality disorders. MBT focuses on helping individuals improve their capacity for mentalizing or understanding their own and others’ thoughts, feelings, beliefs, and intentions.
“Mentalization” refers to the ability to recognize and understand mental states, both in oneself and in others. This includes being able to attribute thoughts, emotions, and intentions to oneself and others, and to make sense of the interactions between these mental states.
Other suggestions to help improve or manage narcissistic rage include:
- Engaging in personal development activities, such as practicing self-reflection, empathy, and emotional intelligence.
- Learning healthier ways to cope with negative emotions, criticism, and stress.
- Having a supportive network of friends, family, or professionals who encourage positive change.
It’s important to note that while some individuals with narcissistic traits may be able to improve their behavior and manage their rage through therapy and personal growth, others may be resistant to change or may struggle to maintain consistent progress.
If you are dealing with someone who displays narcissistic rage, your focus should be on your own well-being and safety.
Consider seeking guidance from mental health professionals as they can provide strategies for managing interactions and promoting healthier communication.
Sources
Baholo, M., Christofides, N., Wright, A., Sikweyiya, Y. & Shai, N. (2014). Women’s experiences leaving abusive relationships: a shelter-based qualitative study. Culture, health & sexuality, 17.
Bateman A.W. & Fonagy P. (2013) Mentalization-based treatment. Psychoanalytic Inquiry, 33(6), 595-613.
Day, J.S., Townsend, M.L., Grenyer, B.F.S. (2020). Living with pathological narcissism: a qualitative study. Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotion Dysregulation, 7(19)
Fonagy, P. (1989). On the integration of Cognitive-Behaviour Theory with Psychoanalysis. British Journal of Psychotherapy, 5 (4).
Green, A., & Charles, K. (2019). Voicing the victims of narcissistic partners: A qualitative analysis of responses to narcissistic injury and Self-Esteem regulation. Sage open, 9(2).
Krizan, Z., & Johar, O. (2015). Narcissistic rage revisited. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 108, 784-801.
Miller, J. D., & Campbell, W. K. (2011). The Handbook of Narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Theoretical Approaches, Empirical Findings, and Treatments. John Wiley & Sons.
Young, J. E. (1990). Practitioner’s resource series. Cognitive therapy for personality disorders: A schema-focused approach. Professional Resource Exchange, Inc.
