How Does Narcissistic Abuse Affect Future Relationships?

Narcissistic abuse is a form of emotional and psychological abuse where a person manipulates, exploits, and demeans their partner to maintain control and power over them. It often involves behaviors such as gaslighting, belittling, hoovering, and blame-shifting.

Narcissistic abuse can have profound and long-term effects on a person’s self-esteem, trust in others, and ability to form healthy relationships in the future.

To recognize the signs of narcissism in a partner, it is important to pay attention to their patterns of behavior. Some common characteristics of narcissistic abuse to be aware of include: excessive self-centeredness, a lack of empathy or concern for others, and a tendency to manipulate or control.

If you suspect you are experiencing narcissistic abuse, seeking support from friends, family, or a mental health professional is crucial.

It is important to recognize that breaking free from an abusive relationship and healing from its effects often requires time, patience, and self-compassion.

Narcissistic abuse can be detrimental to a person’s mental and physical health, self-esteem, and ability to form healthy relationships. Not all survivors of narcissistic abuse will experience the same effects, and individuals can heal and grow from their past experiences with the right support, therapy, and self-awareness.

The impact of the narcissistic abuse will often depend on a number of factors, including the severity and length of the abuse, the characteristics of the victim, and the level of support they have. 

Narcissistic abuse can occur in romantic relationships, among family members, between friends, or in the workplace.

No matter the case, it can lead to low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and difficulty forming healthy relationships.

What Are Some Effects of Narcissistic Abuse on Future Relationships?

The effects of narcissistic abuse on future relationships can be significant and complex. While these effects will vary among individuals, most will experience emotional detachment, trust issues, insecurity, and feelings of inadequacy.

Survivors are often left to question their perceptions, judgments, and sanity. They might blame themselves and carry this lack of self-worth into other relationships.

When working through your experiences, it is important to approach yourself from a place of compassion, patience, and understanding.

Below we will discuss some of the common effects of narcissistic abuse and provide some advice on how to cope with them. Additionally, seeking therapy or counseling can be instrumental in processing the trauma of narcissistic abuse and learning healthier ways to navigate future relationships.

Individuals can heal, grow, and escape the cycle of abuse with the right support, self-awareness, and professional help.

Trust Issues

It is common for individuals in abusive relationships to experience issues with trust. When someone has experienced narcissistic abuse, they have likely been subjected to a pattern of deceit, infidelity, manipulation, and unpredictability.

As a result, they may develop deep-rooted trust issues that can profoundly impact their ability to form and maintain healthy relationships later in life.

At the beginning of a relationship, narcissists tend to portray false images of themselves to their partners. They come across as thoughtful, kind, and genuine. They might engage in love bombing, putting their partner on a pedestal and bombarding them with texts, calls, and gifts.

Narcissists also might put on a false front in familial relationships, with friends, or at work. They will act supportive and caring at first, but then quickly shift to being abusive and degrading.

This hot and cold behavior gives the victim a false sense of security and makes them question their own judgments and perceptions.

Ultimately, this can significantly impact a person’s ability to trust new people in the future. They might be constantly on guard, trying to assess whether the new person can be trusted or if they might exhibit similar abusive behaviors as their previous partner.

They may be skeptical of compliments or kind gestures, wondering if they are genuine or if they are part of a manipulative strategy.

Rebuilding trust is a gradual process that takes time and patience. It’s essential for survivors to be patient with themselves and their progress, and understand that with the right support, they can learn to rebuild trust in themselves and others.

Insecure Attachment

Growing up with narcissistic caregivers or being in a narcissistic relationship can significantly impact an individual’s attachment style, often leading to the development of an insecure attachment style.

Attachment theory suggests that our early experiences with caregivers shape our internal working models of relationships and affect how we bond, connect, and relate to others throughout life.

Individuals with an insecure attachment style often feel unsafe, anxious, and fearful in relationships. They lack trust and fear abandonment. As a result, they either become overly dependent on others, craving validation and reassurance, or they avoid relationships altogether.

Although attachment styles remain relatively stable throughout life, research has shown that it is possible to learn how to feel more secure in relationships over time (termed “earned secure attachment”).

Healing from insecure attachment patterns and earning secure attachment is a gradual process. Here are some steps you can take to develop a more secure attachment:

• Education: Recognizing and understanding one’s attachment style is the first step toward healing. Educate yourself on attachment theory and different attachment styles so you can gain insight into how your past experiences have shaped your current attachment patterns.
• Therapy: Seeking therapy or counseling can be immensely beneficial in processing the trauma of a narcissistic relationship, addressing attachment issues, and learning healthier ways of relating to others.
• Developing Self-Worth: Building a positive self-image and greater self-esteem can help you feel more secure in relationships and less dependent on external validation.
• “Surrogate” Secure Attachment Figure: Having a role model, such as a partner, friend, or mentor who shows you how a securely attached person behaves and thinks, can be immensely beneficial.

Poor Decision-Making

Due to their past experiences, survivors might have difficultly making constructive, sound decisions. Narcissistic abuse can be detrimental to a person’s sense of self-worth and confidence. 

Victims may be left constantly questioning their own judgments and perceptions, blaming themselves for the abuse they have suffered.

Because narcissists would control all areas of their partners’ lives, including their finances, friendships, and social lives, victims were typically not allowed to make their own decisions.

As a result, their ability to make decisions for themselves once they are free from the relationship is often skewed.

In order to regain your confidence in your decision-making, you must first acknowledge that your thoughts, feelings, and needs are valid. 

By developing a strong sense of self-worth, survivors can learn to feel more secure in their relationships and less dependent on external validation.

People Pleasing

People pleasing is a behavioral pattern where an individual prioritizes meeting the needs and desires of others above their own, often to avoid conflict or confrontation.

People-pleasers have a strong desire to be liked, accepted, and approved of by others, leading them to go to great lengths to avoid conflict or disapproval. These individuals often have a low self-esteem, fear rejection, and crave validation from others.

Experiencing narcissistic abuse, especially as a child, often leads to people-pleasing behavior later in life. As a result, victims of abuse will seek constant reassurance from their partners or others to alleviate their anxiety and fears.

Therefore, building your confidence and assertiveness will help you to reduce your people-pleasing tendencies and allow you to maintain healthier relationships in the future.

Self-Destructive Habits

Narcissistic abuse can make you feel alone, destroy your confidence, and create an “empty” feeling within you. This distress can feel overwhelming.

For that reason, many survivors of narcissistic abuse will turn to self-destructive habits, such as drugs, alcohol, gambling, or sex, as a way to cope.

Additionally, they may push others away or sabotage new relationships to protect themselves from potential harm in the future.

Or, they might enter into relationships with people who engage in similar destructive behaviors, creating a vicious cycle of abuse.

Going to therapy or a support group (e.g., a 12-step program) can be helpful for dealing with the underlying causes of these self-destructive behaviors.

Loss of Self-Worth and Distorted Self-Image

Narcissistic abuse will completely destroy one’s sense of self. Narcissists want to control their environments and the people in them, so they seek to destroy their victim’s self-worth to gain this authority.

Unfortunately, these feelings of confusion and worthlessness will affect your ability to form healthy and stable relationships in the future. It can also lead to a number of other issues, such as poor mental health, deep-rooted insecurities, substance misuse, and impaired academic or job performance. 

Thus, regaining your sense of self and worth is crucial for your general well-being as well as the health of your future relationships.

A few tips for building self-worth:

• Write down your strengths and the things you love about yourself
• Start a gratitude diary
• Start small and work your way forward
• Practice saying “no”
• Challenge yourself to go out of your comfort zone (e.g. go to a restaurant or to see a movie alone)
• Have compassion and understanding for yourself
• See a therapist or attend a support group

How Can I Get Past My Fear and Trust Again After Narcissistic Abuse?                          

Recovering from the fear and rebuilding trust after narcissistic abuse can be a challenging journey. But, it is possible with time, self-compassion, reflection, and the right support.

Finding a therapist who has experience with narcissistic abuse or joining a support group for survivors of narcissistic abuse is highly recommended. 

Here are some tips that can help you on your healing journey:

1. Cut off all contact with the narcissist. If this is not possible, limit contact as much as possible.
2. Accept that the narcissist will not change. You should not waste any time or energy waiting for them to do so. Instead, focus on healing yourself.
3. Make your well-being and recovery your priority. Allow yourself to feel anger, sadness, and any other emotions that may arise without judgment.
4. Learn to say no when you feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed, and communicate your needs and limits in your relationships.
5. Set and maintain clear boundaries with all the people in your life, regardless of whether they are narcissists or not. Establishing boundaries is crucial for regaining a sense of control and safety.
6. Educate yourself about narcissism. Learning more about narcissism and its effects can help you gain insight into your experience and understand that the abuse was not your fault.
   
   This can also help you be aware of early signs of potential narcissistic behaviors or toxic patterns in new relationships.
7. Be kind to yourself and practice self-compassion. Self-blame is common after experiencing narcissistic abuse. But, the reality is that you fell victim to someone with a manipulative behavior. Recognize that your feelings and reactions were valid responses to the abuse you endured.
8. Forgive yourself. Treat yourself with the same care and understanding you would offer a friend.
9. Practice self-care. This might include exercise, journaling, meditation, therapy, or mindfulness – choose whatever makes you feel good.
10. Be proactive about your recovery. Recognize and celebrate the progress you make in your healing journey. Each step you take towards healing and learning to trust again is a significant achievement.

Where Can I Get Help for Narcissistic Abuse?

If you or someone you know is experiencing narcissistic abuse and needs help, there are several resources available to provide support and assistance.

Seeking the help of a licensed therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma, abuse, or narcissistic relationships can be immensely beneficial. They can provide a safe and nonjudgmental space to process your experiences, explore your emotions, and develop coping strategies for healing and moving forward.

If the first therapist you find is not helpful, find another one – it can sometimes take a few tries to find the right person.

Additionally, there are a number of online resources, forums, and communities that can be worthwhile (learn more about signs of narcissistic abuse here). They might help you to gain a better understanding of narcissistic behavior, allow you to connect with others, and provide valuable resources and information.

Many countries also have domestic violence hotlines or helplines that offer support and resources for individuals experiencing abuse.

These helplines are staffed by trained professionals who can provide information, safety planning, and referrals to local support services.

Joining a support group for survivors of narcissistic abuse can also be valuable. Connecting with others who have had similar experiences can help you feel less isolated and provide validation and understanding.

Your safety and well-being are essential, and there are a number of resources and people ready to help you on your path to healing and recovery.

Frequently Asked Questions

Sources

Centre for Substance Abuse Treatment (2014). Trauma-informed care in behavioral health services. A treatment improvement protocol. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (US).

Dansby Olufowote, R.A., Fife, S.T., Schleiden, C. & Whiting, J.B. (2019). How Can I Become More Secure? A Grounded Theory of Earning Secure Attachment. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. 46 (3): 489-506.

Lauderdale, S. A., Martin, K. J., & Moore, J. (2019). Aversive indecisiveness predicts risks for and symptoms of anxiety and depression over avoidant indecisiveness. Journal of Rational-Emotive & Cognitive-Behavior Therapy, 37(1), 62-83.

Levy, K.N, Ellison, W.D. Scott, N.S. & Bernecker, S.L. (2010). Attachment Style. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 67(2), 193-203.