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Narcissistic mothers often use manipulative and hurtful tactics to control and dominate their children. They are incredibly entitled and self-absorbed, prioritizing their own desires before their children’s.
A narcissistic mother is unable to give their children adequate love, attention, or nurturing, and they lack empathy for everyone except themselves. They know exactly how to hurt your feelings and do not care about the consequences of their words and actions.
In general, narcissists are arrogant, entitled, and attention-seeking. They have an excessive need to feel in control of their environments and the people around them, including their children.
These traits are apparent through their behavior and language. Paying attention to how your mother treats you and speaks to you can help you to identify whether your mother is narcissistic.
Below are some common things narcissistic mothers may say and the underlying reasons behind their behavior. Make sure to keep in mind your mother’s overall personality because non-narcissists might sometimes use this language as well.
Attention-Seeking Language
Narcissists often feed off the attention and admiration of other people. In their minds, they are special and superior to others, and therefore, everything must revolve around them.
Narcissistic mothers, in particular, often have an entitled mindset, expecting their children to fulfill their needs and desires. They will use attention-seeking language to ensure that the focus remains on themselves and their needs. They will manipulate their children into providing constant attention, validation, and support.
Things they might say include:
“No one cares about me.”
“I’m the most important person in your life.”
“I went to a wedding, and no one even looked at me.”
“I never get the credit I️ deserve.”
“Don’t you think I did that so well?”
“You knew I wouldn’t like it. You only did that to hurt my feelings.”
Controlling Language
In the eyes of a narcissist, there are two types of people: losers and winners. If a narcissist does not feel in control of the situation or the people involved, they feel like they are losing.
A narcissistic mother’s ego can’t handle losing, so she will try to assert her dominance by putting her children down, taking credit for her children’s achievement, or invalidating her children’s feelings.
Things they might say include:
“You’re wrong, I’m right.”
“If we had done it my way it would have turned out much better.”
“You’re too sensitive.”
“You’re not good enough to do that.”
“Only stupid people would fail that exam.”
“You’re not capable of making decisions.”
Highly Critical Language
Criticizing others makes a narcissist feel superior and in control. Narcissistic mothers frequently criticize and belittle their children, making them feel inadequate.
Their perfectionistic tendencies mean they hold their children to impossibly high standards and will never be satisfied with their achievements.
Things they might say include:
“Anyone could have passed that exam, it’s hardly an achievement.”
“You’re a disappointment to me.”
“You’re never good enough.”
“How do your friends put up with you?”
“Being a singer/ yoga teacher/ artist isn’t a proper job. Why can’t you have a real career?”
Manipulative Language
Narcissistic mothers will engage in various manipulation tactics such as guilt-tripping, gaslighting, and emotional blackmail. They use this language to reinforce their own martyrdom and to control their children’s behavior.
Their goal is to make their children feel indebted and guilty, to manipulate and control them.
For example:
“You never call me/ visit me.” (even if you speak to/ visit her often)
“It’s your fault your dad left me.”
“I gave up my career for you – you should be grateful.”
“You’re just like your father.”
“I never said that/ that is not what happened.”
“I sacrifice so much for you.”
Envious and Competitive Language
Instead of being proud and excited about her children’s achievements, a narcissistic mother wants to feel superior. To her, everything is a competition, so she will put her children down and dismiss them instead of giving them praise.
Or, she will take credit for their achievements.
Things she might say include:
“You only did well because of me.”
“I was much slimmer/ prettier/smarter than you when I was your age.”
“That outfit makes you look fat.”
“You get all your looks from me.”
“Don’t apply to that university; you’ll never get in.”
Verbal Abuse
Narcissists have difficulty controlling their emotions. They frequently lash out when they feel they have been challenged or undermined.
Narcissistic mothers might verbally abuse their children if they think they are “too confident” or if they think someone else is giving them too much attention. Their goal is to suppress their children’s individuality and autonomy and make them doubt their own abilities, so they seek validation from their mother.
A narcissistic mother might also be looking for someone to blame for their own frustration or anger. They can be cruel and vicious, using their children’s insecurities and fears against them.
Things they might say include:
“Why was I punished with a child like you?”
“You’re an embarrassment.”
“You should be ashamed of yourself.”
“I’m not surprised no one likes you.”
“Nobody cares about what you have to say.”
“You’ll never make anything of yourself.”
Comparing You to Others
A narcissistic mother may compare you to your siblings, peers, or herself. Pitting people against each other gives her the sense that she has control over your feelings.
Narcissists with sadistic tendencies also get pleasure from causing other people pain, even their own children.
She might say something like:
“Your sister is much smarter than you.”
“Why can’t you be more like your brother?”
“Your friend must get so much more attention than you. I bet you hate that.”
“Everyone thinks you’re lazy. Why do you always embarrass me?”
Isolating You From Others
Narcissistic mothers want their children’s full attention and do not want to share it with anyone else. In their eyes, their children are an extension of themselves, not an independent person.
Narcissistic mothers may instill fear and dependency by suggesting that they are the only source of love and support for their children. They want their children to have little contact with the outside world, so they are remain emotionally reliant on the mother.
To isolate you, she might say things like:
“I need you here with me.”
“Other people can’t be trusted, we only have each other.”
“You should be grateful that I put you on this planet.”
“I’m so lonely when you leave.”
“You’ll never find anyone who loves you like I️ do.”
“Your friends said terrible things about you – I️ told you that you can’t trust them.”
Communal Narcissism
A communal narcissistic mother is a specific subtype of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) characterized by a preoccupation with maintaining an image of being a selfless, caring, and self-sacrificing individual within their immediate family or community.
A communal narcissist mother might say something like:
“Did you see how much I sacrificed for you? I always put everyone else’s needs before my own. I’m the one who takes care of the whole family, and nobody appreciates it.”
“I️ am the glue that holds this family together, and everything would fall apart without me. It’s exhausting to always be so selfless, but someone must do it.”
“I’m the ultimate caretaker, always putting everyone else’s happiness above mine. I deserve recognition and admiration for all that I️ do.”
Final Word
It’s important to note that these tactics are emotionally abusive and can have long-lasting effects on the child’s well-being and self-esteem.
Growing up with narcissistic parents can be traumatizing. It is important that you educate yourself on what narcissism is, how to cope with a narcissist’s behavior, and how to heal from narcissistic abuse.
If you suspect that you or someone you know is experiencing narcissistic abuse, seeking support from a therapist or counselor can be beneficial in navigating the healing process.
