16 Signs Of Passive-Aggressive Behavior With Examples

Below are some ways in which passive-aggressive behavior can be displayed:

Backhanded compliments

These are comments which are subtle insults intended to put down the person being addressed without seeming mean-spirited. The comment and the tone may reflect that the person is being nice, but there is a covert insult in their statement.

Examples you hear can include ‘You look so much nicer when you smile,’ which implies you do not look nice unless you are smiling, or ‘Good for you for trying your best,’ which may imply that while you may try hard, it is not good enough.

Backhanded compliments, criticism, or negative sentiments, under the guise of praise, can be used to express passive-aggression too.

For example, someone may say, “You finally got a haircut that looks decent,” with the intention of saying that that person’s previous hairstyles were unattractive (Harrn, 2011).

Unsolicited opinions, such as stating that someone should lose weight unsolicited or that a person looks tired and should get some more sleep, can similarly express unconscious negative emotions indirectly (Harrn, 2011).

Sarcasm

Passive-aggressive people may use sarcasm as a way to say malicious comments, which can be played off as a joke.

Sarcasm allows someone to say negative things to people, and then when they are confronted, they may say, ‘I was only joking.’ If someone says something hurtful followed by ‘I was only joking,’ then chances are, it wasn’t a joke at all, and it is a way to cover up their true feelings.

Sarcasm can also be passive-aggressive in certain contexts. For example, suppose someone invites a friend over to their family’s house, and the friend says, “yeah, you know how much I love your family,” in a sarcastic tone. In that case, the statement can be considered passive-aggressive.

Rather than speaking about the issues that they have with the friend’s family, they are expressing negative feelings under the guise of a joke (Harrn, 2011).

Silent treatment

The silent treatment is simply not talking to someone who has upset you. People will use their silence to let others know they did something they do not agree with.

This is a way of refusing to verbally communicate why they feel hurt, leaving the other person to figure out why they are mad. This behavior withholds attention while avoiding direct conflict, which may be more uncomfortable for someone to deal with.

Silence can be read as passive-aggressive in certain contexts. For example, someone may refuse to respond during an argument.

This is known by relational psychologists as “Stonewalling” (Gottman, 2010).

Similarly, ignoring a question or simply never replying to a message. All in all, silence when a response is warranted is often considered passive-aggression (Harrn, 2011).

Evading issues

Someone who evades issues may never address any problems they have and will pretend everything is fine.

They may say, ‘I’m fine’ or ‘Everything is good,’ when the opposite is true. Denying that something is wrong is a way not to have to deal with directly addressed emotions and feelings.

Withholding

Withholding includes holding back on privileges that would otherwise be normal as a way to punish another person.

For instance, a parent who usually makes breakfast for their child every day may not do this one day without giving a reason but suggest that the child make breakfast themselves that day.

Time, money, or any kind of behavior that is usually typical in a relationship can be withheld.

Indirect Refusal

Indirect refusal includes failing to meet someone’s needs without saying “no” outright.

For example, someone may fail to take a new puppy outside even though their roommate has asked them to do so multiple times.

The need being violated in this case would be both the puppy’s need to relieve itself and the needs of that person’s roommates to live in an unsoiled and clean environment (Harrn, 2011).

Moody behavior

While it is normal to feel moody from time to time, if someone is moody and sulking because they don’t want to communicate about how they feel, this can be passive-aggressive.

They can make it obvious that something is bothering them, but they are using their moody behavior to get out of discussing their feelings.

Someone who engages in passive-aggressive behavior may appear to agree – perhaps enthusiastically, even – to another person’s request.

Rather than complying with the request, however, that person may express anger or resentment by failing to follow through or missing deadlines.

For example, say that a couple decides who will do the dishes for the night. One member may enthusiastically agree to do the dishes.

However, the next morning, when the other member of the couple sees that there are still dishes in the sink — or better yet, that all but one dish had been cleaned — they may be resentful.

In this case, the member that had agreed to do the dishes may either not recognize this resentment or have used the act of cleaning all but one dish as a way of expressing their contempt and aggression toward another issue (Kantor, 2002).

Learned helplessness

In passive-aggressive terms, someone who displays learned helplessness will pretend they cannot do something to send a message that they don’t want to do it. They may purposely ‘forget’ to do things or deliberately do a task badly.

For instance, a partner may purposely do a poor job of cleaning the bathroom, so they do not get asked to do it again.

Making wistful comments

These types of comments come from not asking for things directly while also putting down the person they’re talking to simultaneously.

They may say something like, ‘I wish I could afford a house like yours, but unfortunately, I don’t earn as much as you.’

The goal of wistful comments is to announce their wish and then disown it to put the responsibility on someone else.

Patronizing language

Sometimes, people can display passive aggression in what they say, including making patronizing comments. For example, someone may undermine someone else’s intelligence by using unnecessarily simple instructions and asking, “do you know what I mean by that?” or calling someone pet names.

Procrastinate/not finishing tasks

People may procrastinate on tasks they offered to do for someone else as a way to let them know they are angry.

This can also include not following through with favors previously agreed to and backing out of a commitment at the last minute.

Lateness

Generally, being late is not passive-aggressive and may not always be purposeful, but lateness can be used as a weapon.

Someone can be intentionally late to punish someone else who annoyed them. They may turn up late and not appear stressed about it or apologize to the other person.

Exclusion

Using exclusion and isolating others can also be used as a way to show annoyance or hurt indirectly.

Social exclusion can involve having a party and inviting everyone except the targeted person.

Professional exclusion can include leaving someone out of a meeting or out of the loop on a deadline change.

Making Excuses

Sometimes, passive-aggression can be manifested in creating excuses for not doing something rather than directly stating the frustrations they have.

For example, someone may regularly claim that they are sick, or have a headache, in a way that interferes with responsibilities because they do not want to fulfill them for an unspecified reason rather than stating the reason directly (Harrn, 2011).

Ghosting

So-called ghosting is yet another example of a behavior that is commonly considered to be passive-aggressive, especially in the modern era of online dating.

Ghosting involves suddenly cutting off contact with a person without warning — especially when the previous contract implied that the person doing the ghosting was interested in and valued that relationship.

For example, suddenly standing up a date after going out once, in the form of never texting or calling, is a common expression of ghosting (Harrn, 2011).

Ghosting can be passive-aggressive in that it often expresses some negative sentiment (that someone would no longer wish to speak with someone else) in a way that leaves this statement unsaid

Anything that is said with the intent of making someone seem superior, and the receiver inferior, is typically considered to be passive-aggressive behavior (Harrn, 2011).

Disrespectful comments

Contemptuous comments, describing any comment that comes off as disrespectful, can be passive-aggressive. For example, when someone decides to buy someone a bouquet of flowers, the receiver, when saying, “Oh great, another bouquet of flowers, “may be perceived as passive-aggressive.

Similarly, in some contexts, statements may be perceived as passive aggression. For example, someone may say that the meal at a dinner party is “edible,” which may be perceived as disrespectful (Harrn, 2011).