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Stonewalling is a communication behavior characterized by refusing to engage in or respond to a conversation or a person’s attempts to communicate. Stonewalling is a metaphor that draws from the concept of building a stone wall that does not allow for connection.
Stonewalling involves withdrawing from communication and deliberately avoiding providing any information, feedback, or emotional response, effectively shutting down a conversation or interaction.
This can include completely ignoring another person, physically turning away from someone, and/ or engaging in another activity to avoid interaction.
Stonewalling is commonly observed in conflicts or disputes between individuals in a relationship. According to psychologist John Gottmann, this behavior can have serious consequences for a relationship because it creates a sense of disconnection and frustration between the people involved.
John Gottmann notes that if stonewalling becomes a recurring pattern, it can be a predictor of divorce. It can lead to a breakdown in communication, psychological distress, and relationship dissatisfaction.
While stonewalling is typically used as a way to avoid conflict, narcissists will use stonewalling as a tool for manipulation.
Narcissism is a personality disorder characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a constant need for admiration, a lack of empathy, and a preoccupation with personal success and power.
Narcissists are known to engage in manipulative, aggressive behavior, including stonewalling. When a narcissist perceives a threat to their grandiose self-view, they will respond with hostility or rage.
Generally, grandiose narcissists are more likely to react with rage (e.g. verbal and/or physical aggression), whereas vulnerable narcissists are more likely to use stonewalling.
Silent Treatment vs. Time-Out
Taking a break from an argument or discussion can be healthy and beneficial in many situations, especially if you are feeling overwhelmed, angry, or resentful.
Taking a break allows both parties to step back, calm down, and collect their thoughts before continuing the conversation. This might look like telling your partner that you need a moment to regain emotional balance and gain some clarity, but acknowledging that the issue is important and you want to resume the conversation later.
Breaks should not be used as a way to avoid addressing important issues or as a means to stonewall in a relationship.
Stonewalling is considered a type of psychologically abusive behavior, and it often falls under the passive-aggressive category. It involves entirely shutting down emotionally during conflicts or difficult discussions, leaving the other person feeling unheard, invalidated, and worthless.
While a break will only lasts an hour or two, stonewalling can last for days or weeks.
This behavior is unhealthy for both partners as it creates a sense of distance and emotional disconnection.
Gottmann explains “The physical sensations of feeling flooded (by stress hormones and negative emotions) . . . make it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion. […] The first step in dealing with flooding is to end the discussion. If you keep going, you’ll find yourself exploding at your partner or imploding (stonewalling), neither of which will get you anywhere.”
When emotions are intense, it’s essential to give each other space to cool off and collect your thoughts. A break should be temporary, though, and conversation should always be revisited at a later time when both parties are ready to work towards a resolution with a clearer and more open mind.
With stonewalling, the conversation is often left unresolved, and the other person is left feeling ostracized, confused, and frustrated.
Signs That a Narcissist is Stonewalling You
Stonewalling can happen in any relationship. However, it can be particularly prevalent and problematic when dealing with a narcissistic individual. Narcissists might use stonewalling to exert control, avoid accountability, or manipulate a situation.
Here are some signs that a narcissist may be stonewalling you:
Giving the Silent Treatment
The narcissist suddenly stops responding to you or goes completely silent, refusing to engage in any communication. This can be either in person or virtually (“ghosting”).
They ignore your attempts at communication and physical touch. This can be used as a way to punish you or avoid addressing uncomfortable topics.
Refusing to Communicate
The narcissist may use various excuses to avoid engaging in conversations, such as being too busy, tired, or unavailable.
They might also shut down mid-conversation, abruptly changing topics, going silent, turning their body away from you, or engaging in a new activity (e.g. turning on the TV).
This behavior indicates a lack of respect for you and your feelings.
Dismissing You and Ignoring Your Needs
The narcissist consistently ignores your requests, needs, or concerns, showing a lack of consideration or empathy for your emotions.
If you speak to them about something important to you, they might dismiss you, ignore you, cut you off, or say something like “who cares” or “just be quiet.” They might also dismiss you by belittling or laughing at what you are saying.
Their Body Language
Stonewalling results in a high-arousal state that is caused by negative emotions. Whereas anger activates the cardiovascular system (heart and blood vessels), stonewalling is associated with heightened muscle tension.
Thus, when someone’s body and face appear stiff or frozen or their jaw is clenched, this can be an indication of stonewalling.
Avoiding Responsibility
When faced with conflicts or disagreements, the narcissist avoids discussing the issues, evades responsibility, and deflects blame onto others.
When confronted about their stonewalling behavior, a narcissist will deny and try to turn the tables on you.
They might blame you (“if you didn’t do this then I wouldn’t have to ignore you”) or gaslight you into doubting your own perceptions.
You Feel Anxious and Doubtful
Stonewalling can be emotionally abusive and undermine a person’s self-worth, emotional well-being, and sense of safety. Stonewalling, when used repeatedly as a pattern of behavior in relationships, can cause victims to become increasingly anxious, uncertain, and depressed.
Healthy relationships are built on open communication, mutual respect, and empathy, and any form of abuse, including passive-aggressive behaviors like stonewalling, should not be tolerated
The Emotional Effects of Stonewalling
The emotional effects of stonewalling can be significant and detrimental to the individual experiencing it. You might become angry, upset, overwhelmed, anxious, and frustrated.
Feeling ignored, dismissed, or shut out by someone you care about can be hurtful and can lead to feelings of rejection and inadequacy. Social rejection and exclusion can evoke significant emotional pain.
Stonewalling is a form of ostracism and is often interpreted as a threat to the body and brain. In response to stonewalling, our alarm system (fight/flight response) is set off. This can lead to feelings of panic, anxiety, depression, and/ or anger.
Stonewalling threatens our fundamental need to belong. It can make you feel isolated and lonely, damaging your self-esteem and causing self-doubt and self-blame. When someone you care about refuses to engage with you, they are essentially communicating that you are unimportant to them.
Stonewalling is a breakdown of communication. It prevents healthy expression of emotions and thoughts and hinders conflict resolution. So, although you know your partner is angry or upset, you are left unable to resolve it.
The “stonewaller” forces us to sit with our uncomfortable emotions. Prolonged exposure to stonewalling and emotional disconnection can negatively impact mental health.
Responding to a Narcissist’s Silent Treatment
It’s crucial to address stonewalling in relationships and seek healthier ways to communicate and resolve conflicts.
A natural reaction to being stonewalled might be to chase after the narcissist or beg for their attention. However, this approach will only feed their grandiose ego and reinforce their behavior.
Instead, you should stay calm and composed, and don’t let their behavior escalate your emotions. Give them space to cool off and gather their thoughts.
Use this period to take care of your emotional well-being and engage in self-care exercises. This can include exercising, walking, meditating, going to therapy, or any other activity that makes you feel calm.
If stonewalling is a common occurrence in your relationship, it should be addressed. Consider setting boundaries with the narcissist, letting them know that you won’t tolerate being ignored or disrespected and that you expect open and respectful communication.
If your partner’s coping mechanism is to give the silent treatment, communicate how that makes you feel. Instead of stonewalling, ask them to tell you when they need a break and agree to respect that.
Unfortunately, though, if you are in a relationship with a narcissist, they will likely deny their behavior, turn the tables on you, and resist your attempts at healthy communication.
Because narcissists have a grandiose and superior self-view, they will dismiss any criticism and ignore any reason to work on themselves or change.
If the silent treatment is just one part of a pattern of emotional abuse or manipulation, it may be worth considering whether the relationship is healthy for you.
Remember that you cannot change a narcissist’s behavior, but you can control your responses and protect your emotional well-being. Sometimes, creating distance from a toxic relationship may be the healthiest option.
Sources
Carpenter, E.T. (2020). Stonewalling and Taking a Break Are Not the Same Thing. Family Perspectives, 2 (1), 10.
Gottman J. M. (1994). What predicts divorce? The relationship between marital processes and marital outcomes. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. Random House.
Haase, C.M., Holley, S.R., Bloch, L., Verstaen, A. & Levenson, R.W. (2016). Interpersonal emotional behaviors and physical health: A 20-year longitudinal study of long-term married couples. Emotion, 16(7), 965-77.
Keller, P., Blincoe, S. & Gilbert, L. (2014). Narcissism in Romantic Relationships: A Dyadic Perspective. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 33 (1), 25-50.
Kjaervik, S. & Bushman, B. (2021). The link between narcissism and aggression: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin. 147
