Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation used to make someone doubt their perceptions, memories, and reality. People gaslight for a number of reasons, but the central motivation is to gain power and control.
While we all might tell an occasional white lie or use gentle reassurances to comfort others or maintain harmony, not everyone resorts to gaslighting as it is a harmful and manipulative behavior.
Some people are more inclined to use gaslighting than others. Those who do resort to gaslighting typically have manipulative personalities. They have learned that gaslighting and other manipulation tactics help them to achieve a goal, so they regard it as an acceptable way of behaving.
Individuals with a high tendency to gaslight believe that “the end justifies the means” – a Machiavellian principle.
As a result, their tactics tend to be unscrupulous; however, as long as they achieve their end goal, they are not concerned about the damage they cause to others.
Reasons people gaslight
Avoiding Accountability
One of the most common reasons for gaslighting is to avoid accountability. Gaslighters will use this tactic to avoid taking responsibility for their actions, to deflect blame onto the victim, or to avoid certain duties.
Below is an account of an individual who used gaslighting to avoid accountability. This example is taken from a qualitative analysis of gaslighting in romantic relationships.
“My wife had an affair. I felt something was off, as she wanted nothing more to do with me, and [I] kept questioning what was wrong. She kept telling me I was paranoid, crazy, and anxious and that everything was OK.”
Another participant reported:
“I was ‘always crazy and imagining things.’ Any time he had done something that [was] wrong, or disrespectful it would be my fault.”
And, one other participant in this study described her partner’s effort to avoid parental duties:
“I would ask for more help with our kids and be met with anger because he felt working for money and providing were sufficient. I would be told I was insane, unorganized and didn’t take my job as a mom serious enough since I needed help. Typically led to name calling and being told we need to switch places.”
Control
Another common reason for gaslighting is it allows the manipulator to maintain control over their victim. By causing the victim to doubt their own judgment and reality, the gaslighter gains power over them and can shape their behavior to satisfy their own needs, limit their options, and reduce their autonomy.
Below are two examples of this behavior taken from a qualitative analysis of gaslighting in romantic relationships. When asked what sort of issues instigated gaslighting, one participant listed:
“When I didn’t behave/say what he wanted me to say, [when] he wanted me to act a certain way, [or] when he disliked what came out of my mouth or what I did.”
In another scenario described in the same study, a different participant stated:
“her partner purposely sabotaged her attempts to get into medical school by spending ‘months telling me how I shouldn’t pick this career path for multiple reasons, starting with money,…then how I’m not cut out for it/not smart enough.’”
Fear
Fear can also be a motivating factor for some people to engage in gaslighting. People may resort to gaslighting when they are afraid of confrontation, losing control, being rejected, or being exposed.
Because of this constant anxiety, individuals will feel a constant need to control others and their environments.
Some gaslighters may even have deep-rooted insecurities and low self-esteem, so they use gaslighting as a way to feel superior and to assert their perceived superiority over the victim.
Wanting to “Win”
Some people might believe their worth depends on being superior and having complete influence and control over others. In their mind, gaslighting is justified as a means to an end.
Additionally, gaslighters might use this manipulation tactic to maintain the current state of affairs, preventing the victim from questioning or challenging their actions or behaviors.
To Exploit Others
People with high levels of narcissism have the desire to exploit others, which is born out of their disregard for other people and their own sense of entitlement.
Exploitative gaslighters use manipulation and deceit to take advantage of others for personal gain.
This might include gaining control and power, money, access to resources, or the dependency of another person.
Approval
Seeking approval can also be a reason why people resort to gaslighting. Gaslighters may use manipulative tactics to gain validation and approval from others.
By making the victim doubt their perceptions and reality, the gaslighter can assert control over the victim’s thoughts and actions, seeking validation for their own views and beliefs.
Additionally, if someone fears their actions will have adverse consequences, they may choose to gaslight to control how they are perceived.
For example, Chad finds out Brad has been gossiping behind his back. When Chad confronts Brad, he denies it and blames Crystal for it – gaslighting Chad.
Learned Behavior
Gaslighting can be a learned behavior. People can pick up manipulative tactics, including gaslighting, through various influences and experiences throughout their lives.
For example, children often learn behaviors by observing and imitating their caregivers and other influential figures in their lives.
If a child grows up in an environment where gaslighting was prevalent, this behavior becomes normalized, and the child may adopt these patterns without intention.
In addition, individuals may learn gaslighting as a coping mechanism. They may learn that in order to get what they want or protect themselves from harm or abuse, they must resort to gaslighting.
Using Other People
The propensity to manipulate can also arise from a willingness to use other people to achieve a goal. Manipulation involves trying to influence or control others’ thoughts, emotions, or actions for personal gain, often without considering the well-being or consent of the person being manipulated.
Thus, some people will flatter, lie, intimidate, or gaslight others to reach their goals.
If a person has achieved their goals through manipulation in the past, they may be more inclined to use similar tactics again, as they believe it to be an effective strategy.
Status
The desire to maintain social status can be a motivating factor for some individuals to engage in gaslighting.
They may want to maintain a higher social status, protect their reputation, avoid social rejection, control social dynamics, or gain validation from their social circle.
One 2018 study found that people who tend to manipulate often have a desire for financial gain and high social status, prioritizing their own needs with little regard for morals or the effects on others.
Sadistic Pleasure
For some individuals with narcissistic traits and sadistic tendencies, gaslighting can enable them to obtain pleasure from other people’s suffering, pain, or humiliation. This is also known as sadistic pleasure.
It is important to note that sadistic pleasure gained from gaslighting is rare. For most people, including narcissists, this is not the reason they gaslight.
Sources
Klein, W.B., Wood, S. & Li, S (2022). A Qualitative Analysis of Gaslighting in Romantic Relationships. Preprint from PsyArXiv.
Makarenko, O.V. & Bogomaz, S.A. (2005). Personal characteristics of students-psychologists prone to manipulate others. Bulletin of TSU. “Psychology” Series, 286: 107.
Shyroka, A. & Hrebin, N. (2020). Psychological Aspects of Manipulation Within An Interpersonal Interaction: Manipulations and Manipulators. In Hapon, N. P., Hrabovska, S. L. & Hrebin, N. V., et al. Personality in society: psychological mechanisms of activity: collective monograph. Lviv-Toruń : Liha-Press.
Vaknin, S. (2021). Sadism in Sadistic and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Annals of Behavioural Science, 7 (1).
