You may love and enjoy spending time with your boyfriend, but his constant texting, calling, and jealous outbursts drive you to the edge of your patience. You may wonder, “Why is my boyfriend so clingy?” and “How can I deal with his clinginess?”
Hannah, a teacher from Australia, told me about her experience of realizing her boyfriend was very clingy. So, I’ll illustrate the signs of a clingy boyfriend with examples she gave me from her relationship.
Once we’ve discussed clingy boyfriend behavior, we’ll explore how clinginess develops and how you can deal with a clingy boyfriend.
Signs of a Clingy Boyfriend
Clingy means needing constant attention and being suffocating, overly dependent, and jealous – so if your boyfriend displays any of this behavior, it’s a sign he’s clingy.
Clinginess can cause a massive strain on you and the relationship. Therefore, how you feel in the relationship is a sign.
Do you feel suffocated? Does receiving yet another message from him make you sigh and roll your eyes? Do you look for excuses not to see him? Do you wish he would just stay home for once and not come out with you and your friends?
If you answered yes, chances are your boyfriend is pretty clingy. Here are some more signs of a clingy boyfriend:
1. Constant Calls and Texts
It’s nice when your boyfriend is in touch a lot, and you feel like you’re the center of his attention. But if you feel emotionally drained by the amount of time you spend texting back or being on the phone, there’s a problem.
Hannah’s partner used to message her several times a day and expect her to reply immediately. When she didn’t reply within a few minutes, he called her repeatedly and got very angry at her.
Sometimes, he’d accuse her of cheating and say, “I know you’re not picking up because you’re with someone else” (even though she was in the shower or a lecture).
So, if your boyfriend wants to be in constant contact and gets angry if you don’t respond immediately, that’s a sign he’s clingy – and maybe also quite controlling.
2. Excessive Emotional Sensitivity
Clinginess often stems from insecurity and low self-esteem, which also makes a person very sensitive to criticism or signs of rejection.
In Hannah’s case, her partner would sulk whenever he felt slighted by her. If he asked for her opinion on something and her feedback was anything less than “it’s perfect”, he’d get angry. If she didn’t have time for a call or, as above, she didn’t text back immediately, he felt she was rejecting him and would get upset.
She started to hold back on sharing her honest opinions and made sure she never criticized him – she felt she was always walking on eggshells.
To a clingy boyfriend, criticism or saying you don’t have time for a call or meeting, signals rejection, and that’s why they respond with strong negative emotions.
So, when a man is overly sensitive, it can be a sign of clinginess, especially if his sensitivity is based on how much time you spend together.
3. Catastrophizing
If he always imagines the worst-case scenario if he doesn’t hear back from you, it’s a sign of clinginess.
As we touched on above, Hannah’s partner always thought she was cheating on him when she didn’t reply. Sometimes, he’d call her sister if he hadn’t heard from her for a few hours, asking if Hannah was okay or something had happened. If he felt she was being “off” or distant, he worried that it meant she would break up with him.
Hannah became increasingly exhausted from always having to reassure him.
This way of thinking, called catastrophizing, is common in clingy people and comes from experiencing high levels of anxiety.
4. Wanting to Spend All His Time With You
Does your boyfriend want to spend excessive amounts of time with you? Does he get upset if you want to spend time with your friends and family, or just on your own?
That’s what Hannah’s partner was like. They’d spend the whole weekend together and when she went home on Sunday evening, he’d text her immediately saying, “I miss you”. He wanted to do everything with her and hated it when she’d do things without him. Hannah’s friends begged her to stop bringing him along, but he always made her feel guilty for “choosing her friends over him”.
It’s natural to want to spend as much time as possible with someone you love, but it’s important to keep some independence and nurture your other relationships too.
If your boyfriend makes you feel bad for wanting to spend time alone or with other people, that’s a sign of clinginess.
It could also be a sign of controlling behavior (i.e., isolating you from your support network) so be careful with this one.
5. Keeping Tabs on You and Your Social Media Activity
If you feel borderline stalked by your boyfriend, the alarm bells should be ringing.
“Why did that guy like your post? I saw you commented on the picture John posted – do you fancy him? Why did you switch off read receipts on WhatsApp?”
These were the kinds of questions Hannah was faced with constantly. If she did see her friends without him, he would text and call her all night. When they weren’t together, he would call her asking where she was and what she was doing. He always wanted to know exactly what was happening in her life and who she was with.
This sort of behavior is a definite sign of clinginess.
6. Intense Jealousy
Most people feel jealous in a relationship from time to time – it’s quite natural. However, when jealousy is unreasonable, and the emotional response is very intense, it’s unhealthy.
For example, if he gets jealous when you spend time with other people, sees you interacting with another guy, or complains about your outfit, that’s pretty unreasonable.
A secure person with a healthy attachment trusts you and doesn’t want to take your freedom – a clingy boyfriend gets jealous and possessive.
If he can’t control his jealousy and becomes very angry or wants to punish you, that’s a red flag. Experiencing jealousy doesn’t mean you have the right to get angry – you could simply discuss it with your partner in a calm manner.
7. Moving Very Fast in a New Relationship
Clingy people often start clinging very quickly after you meet them.
When Hannah first met her soon-to-be partner, he came out with all guns blazing. After only a few dates he asked her to be his girlfriend and wanted them to be exclusive. He very quickly wanted to spend a lot of time with her, and at first, it made her feel special, and she thought it was romantic.
After a few months, it started to feel draining and suffocating. But because she liked a lot of things about him, she was willing to look past it. She said, “It’s not often that you come across a guy who wants to be with you so much so I thought it would be stupid to let that go.”
Moving very fast in a new relationship is a bit of a red flag, especially because it can be a sign of love bombing. This, in turn, can be a sign that you’ve got a narcissist or otherwise controlling person on your hands.
The bottom line: If you notice several of these signs and you feel drained or suffocated by the relationship, you probably have a clingy boyfriend.
So, how do you deal with clingy behavior? Is there a way to discuss this with your boyfriend or is it best to just break up?
But before we can address the how, we must address the why – why does clingy behavior develop in the first place, and what’s the root cause of clinginess? Knowing this will make it easier to know how to deal with clingy behavior.
The Causes of Clinginess
Clinginess is best understood in the context of attachment styles, specifically an anxious attachment style. Key features of an anxious attachment style are low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, lack of boundaries, and emotional dependence.
These features or symptoms are often the cause of clingy behavior.
1. Low Self-Esteem
A child whose needs were not appropriately met may develop the belief that they are not worthy of love and that they don’t matter, which is the core of low self-esteem.
2. Fear of Rejection and Abandonment
These beliefs continue into adulthood, and although they want to be loved and valued, their low self-esteem means they expect their partner to eventually reject or leave them. They might, therefore, obsessively look for signs that confirm their fears.
It’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy because they believe they’re unlovable and, therefore, behave in a way that makes it more likely that their partner will leave (i.e., clingy, obsessive, jealous behavior). This then confirms their belief that they’re unlovable.
3. Lack of Boundaries
Low self-worth is often accompanied by a lack of boundaries – confusion about who you are and feeling overly responsible for how other people feel. For example, if their partner is unhappy or acting distant, they believe it must be because of them.
If you don’t have strong boundaries, you also don’t respect or understand other people’s boundaries.
Constantly calling and texting, keeping tabs on someone, and wanting to spend all your time with one person (i.e., clinginess) indicate a lack of boundaries.
5. Emotional Dependence
Because of their upbringing, clingy people didn’t learn how to soothe their own distress and rely on other people to do that for them.
They desperately seek the approval and love they didn’t receive adequately in childhood, and this makes them emotionally dependent on others.
But it doesn’t matter how much love and validation you provide; their inner sense of unworthiness and insecurity remains. Other people can’t fill this emotional void – the only “cure” is for the clingy person to develop self-love and self-worth independent of other people.
In a nutshell: Many clingy people have an anxious attachment style (or at least many of the features of this attachment style), which leads to insecure and clingy behavior. It’s a coping strategy for dealing with the excessive anxiety they experience in relationships.
How to Deal With a Clingy Boyfriend
As the partner of a clingy boyfriend, there are things you can do to help him. However, the most important thing is for your boyfriend to address the root cause of his anxiety – he needs to work on developing a more secure attachment.
Because Hannah loved her partner, she wasn’t willing to let him go. But she did tell him he would need to get help for his behavior otherwise she wouldn’t be able to continue the relationship. He agreed, and they’re working through their issues together.
So, my first suggestion on how to deal with a clingy boyfriend is to help him realize that his relationship anxiety is an unhealthy coping mechanism and that it’s putting a strain on your relationship.
That can be a tricky conversation as he may feel you’re rejecting and criticizing him. So, here’s some guidance:
1. Communicate
Make a note of the behaviors you find difficult to deal with and how they make you feel. Communicate this to your boyfriend in a clear, assertive but supportive way.
Don’t blame him but let him know you care about him and want to be with him but that some of the behaviors are too much. You can also remind him of all the things you like about him and the relationship.
3. Establish Boundaries
Establish boundaries, i.e., tell him how you want to be loved and where you draw the line. For example, you could set boundaries around how often he texts and calls, spending time without each other, and that looking through your phone is unacceptable.
When he behaves in a clingy way, remind him of what you spoke about, that you care about him, but that independence and trust are important for a healthy relationship.
4. Consider Therapy
Encourage him to seek therapy for his attachment difficulties and/ or go to couples therapy together.
He should spend a bit of time focusing on himself and finding out who he is, what his hobbies are, and what he wants in life outside of his relationships.
5. Take Into Account Your Own Attachment Style and Insecurities
Your attachment style and his attachment style might be conflicting, for example, if you’re more avoidant, then his clingy behavior might be particularly difficult for you.
Find out what your attachment style is and think about how that might be affecting the relationship dynamic.
In summary: Managing clingy behavior is possible as long as both people involved are committed to the relationship, build trust, and practice open communication and boundary-setting.
On a final note, it’s important to remind you that there’s a fine line between clingy behavior and controlling behavior.
If his clinginess starts to feel like you’re being controlled, then proceed with caution. There are some early warning signs of a controlling man that you shouldn’t ignore.
One way to figure it out is to pay attention to his behavior and language and assess whether you notice any narcissistic traits in him – if you do, his apparent clinginess is more likely an early sign of control and abuse.
