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Narcissistic love patterns refer to the ways in which narcissistic individuals approach and engage in romantic relationships and other forms of love.
Narcissism is a personality trait characterized by an excessive sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, a constant need for admiration, and a tendency to exploit and manipulate others for personal gain.
Researchers tend to describe a similar pattern of behavior when explaining narcissistic relationships.
Narcissistic relationships typically involve three distinct phases: love bombing, devaluation, and discard. This cycle is driven by the narcissist’s motivation to maintain control and keep their partner emotionally invested, while satisfying their own needs.
They will act warm, charming, and poised when their goal is to draw you in and hook you emotionally. But, highly narcissistic individuals require constant attention and validation from their partners, so they will engage in manipulative behaviors to maintain dominance, reinforce their self-perceived perfection, and defend against challenges to their authority.
For this reason, they tend to choose partners who will provide this ‘narcissistic supply’ and fuel their deep need for constant admiration.
It is also very possible for some narcissists to engage in sexual infidelity as a means of seeking additional sources of narcissistic supply. Campbell and Foster (2002) suggest that narcissists often get bored easily, so they seek novelty and excitement to feed their egos.
Generally, though, every new relationship they pursue will follow a similar pattern of abuse.
Here’s a closer look at each phase:
Love bombing
Narcissistic love bombing is the initial phase of the narcissistic relationship cycle. During this phrase, the narcissist showers you with excessive attention, affection, compliments, and gifts.
They will disguise themselves as your dream partner, making you feel special, safe, heard, and valued.
They might tell you they love you or that you are their “perfect” match, even after just a few days or weeks of dating.
This intense adoration can create an intense sense of attraction and make you feel special and cherished. However, in reality, their attention is a form of grooming: a way to draw you in and build a strong emotional bond before moving into the devaluation phase.
While it can be challenging to differentiate between genuine affection and love bombing, especially during the initial stages of a relationship, there are subtle cues that can help you avoid falling victim to manipulative tactics. For example:
- If they profess their undying love and commitment within a very short time of meeting you.
- If they shower you with excessive compliments.
- If they push for quick commitment, such as moving in together or talking about marriage.
- If they buy you extravagant gifts, take you on expensive outings, or plan elaborate surprises.
- If they put you on a pedestal and make you feel like you’re the most perfect person they’ve ever met.
- If they try to isolate you from friends and family or monopolize your time and attention.
- If they display signs of possessiveness or jealousy.
Here Are a Few Examples of Things They May Say to You:
“You are my soul mate.”
“You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met.”
“I’ve never felt so connected to someone after just a few days.”
“We are going to be together forever.”
“You understand me more than anyone else.”
“I’ll take care of you and give you everything you’ve ever wanted.”
Remember that not everyone who uses these phrases is necessarily engaging in love bombing. The key is to observe these statements in the context of their other behaviors and patterns.
Devaluation
Despite their promises for the future, their declarations of love, and their sworn loyalty to you, a narcissist is only concerned about fueling their supply. Once you are fully absorbed in the relationship, the narcissist will gradually shift into the devaluation phase.
During this phase, the narcissist’s attitude changes dramatically. They start to engage in behaviors that aim to devalue you. While you may brush it off at first, the affection and attention that were once abundant will become scarce. You will likely become confused and hurt by the sudden change in behavior.
They may become increasingly irritable, picking fights over minor issues. Or, they may start to criticize your appearance, personality, opinions, or accomplishments.
Their goal is to undermine your self-confidence and make you feel inadequate.
They might even attack your friends and family or discourage you from spending time with them as it is easier to control someone when they are isolated from their support system.
In some cases, they might engage in more extreme behaviors, such as ignoring you, humiliating you in public, questioning your sanity, or threatening you with physical violence.
Whether their behavior is overtly aggressive or more passive and underhanded, this phase can leave you feeling confused, off balance, and helpless.
You might try harder to please them and feel desperate to regain the positive attention you once received; however, this only gives them more control and satisfies their need for attention.
There might be moments during this phase where they cycle back to love bombing. By subjecting you to an emotional roller coaster, they are keeping you emotionally invested and preventing you from pulling away.
Here are some examples of phrases they might use:
“You’re overreacting; it’s not a big deal.”
“That is probably why people do not like you.”
“You’re always so [negative trait].”
“This is all your fault; you’re the reason things aren’t going well.”
“Why can’t you be more like [someone else]?”
“Maybe we should just break up if you’re so unhappy.”
“Do you think your friends are more important than me?”
Discard
The discard phase is the final stage of the narcissistic relationship cycle. During this phase, the narcissist abruptly ends the relationship or withdraws their emotional investment, often without any explanation or closure.
The discard phase often occurs when the narcissist finds a new source of narcissistic supply, such as a new romantic partner or a different social group.
When you no longer fulfill their needs, they will discard you. They may become emotionally distant, aloof, or even hostile to ensure they leave the relationship in a position of dominance.
They might even blame you for the relationship’s failure as to portray themselves as the victim. As such, you might internalize the blame for the relationship’s end and feel responsible for the narcissist’s change in behavior.
It is often during this stage that victims of narcissistic abuse realize they have been in an abusive relationship as the emotional manipulation and lack of empathy become apparent. This can be immensely painful and confusing as you come to terms with the sudden loss and the emotional whiplash from the cycle of abuse.
Who are narcissists most attracted to?
Narcissists are often attracted to individuals who fulfill certain needs and qualities that align with their own psychological dynamics. They want a partner who will shower them with affection, allow them to be in control, and provide an endless supply of attention.
As such, they are often drawn to people who are empathetic, caring, and nurturing (“empaths”).
Empaths are a highly emotional beings with a strong craving to nurture and care for others. They are more likely to provide the attention, admiration, and validation that narcissists crave.
Additionally, narcissists tend to attract individuals who are lonely, yearn for love, or have low self-esteems. These individuals are more vulnerable to the flattery and attention that narcissists provide and are more reliant on others for their self-worth. Narcissists may see them as easy targets for manipulation and control.
On the other hand, some narcissists are attracted to strong and independent individuals. They may view these individuals as a challenge to conquer or as a means to enhance their own image.
And, when they manage to win that person over, it confirms their grandiosity and allure. In these cases, narcissists view relationships as a game that they need to win.
Along the same lines, narcissists are often drawn to people with high social status, influence, or connections. These “trophy partners” can boost their status and validate their self-image.
At the end of the day, though, a narcissist wants a partner who will put them on a pedestal, provide a constant stream of admiration, and idolize their perceived qualities.
How to deal with a narcissist
Dealing with a narcissist can be challenging due to their manipulative behavior and self-centeredness. Narcissists are entitled individuals who have little empathy for the emotions of others.
First, you must avoid trying to change them and instead focus on your own well-being and safety.
Second, you must remain calm and composed when dealing with a narcissist. Narcissists thrive on provoking emotional reactions and they often enjoy engaging in arguments and power struggles. Instead of arguing or fighting back, consider disengaging or redirecting the conversation.
Minimize contact with them whenever possible as this can reduce the opportunities for them to engage in manipulative behavior. Depending on the severity of the situation, you may need to consider leaving the relationship entirely.
When you do interact with them, make sure to establish and communicate clear boundaries for what behaviors you find acceptable. Whether you are navigating a romantic partner, a friendship, or a work relationship, be consistent in enforcing your boundaries, even if the narcissist tries to push them.
Victims of domestic abuse reported that setting small, incremental boundaries provided them with the confidence they needed to set bigger boundaries, and eventually remove themselves physically from their abuser.
However, be aware that as you distance yourself and set boundaries, you will make the narcissist feel like they are losing control over you. They may escalate their manipulation or attempt to “hoover” you back in. Be aware of these tactics and remind yourself of your own reality and experiences.
It can be helpful to seek support from friends, family, or a therapist who can provide an outside perspective and emotional support. They can help you stay grounded and make informed decisions.
Remember that your well-being and mental health should be a priority. Rather than trying to change their behavior, focus on managing your own responses and actions.
FAQs
Do Narcissists Repeat Love Patterns?
Yes, narcissists often repeat love patterns in their relationships. The cycle of idealization, devaluation, and discard is a common pattern that narcissists tend to repeat in their romantic relationships.
This cycle allows them to secure new sources of narcissistic supply, maintain control, and satisfy their need for attention and admiration. It is consistent with their core personality traits and the way they interact with others.
What Are Narcissists Most Afraid Of?
Narcissists often project an air of confidence and superiority and are unlikely to admit to having fear. But, their excessive need for attention and inflated sense of importance hint at an underlying lack of self-esteem.
Beneath their grandiose façade, narcissists have fears and insecurities like anyone else. Some of the things that narcissists may be afraid of include: abandonment, their vulnerabilities or shortcomings being exposed, losing control and not being able to manipulate or dominate others, failure, being ignored, or being seen as ordinary.
Narcissists require a constant flow of attention, validation, and admiration (narcissistic supply) to maintain their self-esteem. They fear not receiving this supply.
What Does a Narcissist Crave?
Narcissists crave attention, admiration, and validation above all else.
They have an insatiable need for power, attention, and praise to feed their inflated sense of self-importance and fragile self-esteem.
Narcissists want to elevate themselves above others, whether through putting others down or by showcasing their achievements.
Can a Narcissist Truly Love Someone?
Narcissists tend to struggle with forming genuine and healthy emotional connections, including experiencing love in the way most people understand it.
The Greek myth of Narcissus, who fell in love with his own reflection, is an accurate depiction of narcissists: they can only love the image they have created of themselves. They will use others for their personal gain and lack the necessary empathy to build deep emotional connections.
Their self-centeredness, lack of empathy, and manipulative tendencies often hinder their ability to establish authentic and reciprocal loving relationships.
What a narcissist experiences as “love” is often a strong attachment to the positive emotions and attention they receive from their partner. This attachment can be intense and consuming, but it’s not the same as the deep emotional bond that healthy relationships are built upon.
What is narcissistic mirroring?
Narcissistic mirroring is not a genuine love pattern. It’s a manipulative tactic where a narcissist imitates or reflects a person’s behaviors, values, or emotions to create a sense of familiarity and validation, thereby drawing the individual closer and gaining control or admiration.
This superficial connection lacks the depth and authenticity inherent in genuine loving relationships.
Sources
Czerny, A. & Lassiter, P. & Lim, J. H. (2018). Post-Abuse Boundary Renegotiation: Healing and Reclaiming Self After Intimate Partner Violence. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 40, 211-225.
Howard V. (2019). Recognising Narcissistic Abuse and the Implications for Mental Health Nursing Practice. Issues in Mental Health Nursing, 40(8), 644-654.
Vrabel, J. K., Zeigler-Hill, V., Lehtman, M., & Hernandez, K. (2020). Narcissism and perceived power in romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 37(1), 124–142.
